Oliver's Wish Didn't Come True

I had the most important "mom experience" and I need it to be in writing. Oliver, my oldest became very upset after having a small bout of diarrhea recently. I assured him it was ok and he wasn't sick, he didn't need medicine (seriously one of his biggest fears), his tummy was just a bit upset and he was going to be fine. Oliver looked at me with tears welling up in his eyes and said, "...but mom, I made a wish a long time ago that I would never have diarrhea again. I had an eyelash on my cheek and you took it off. When I blew it off your finger I wished that I would never have diarrhea again and It didn't come true." Trying my hardest to hold back laughter I could see that his little heart was actually broken. This was his first harsh dose of reality. In his life he has seen no tragedy, Santa comes every year, and wishes come true. I couldn't let him lose that sense of invincibility. Not yet. I told him wishes are funny things. They only last so long before they need to be refreshed.  So the next morning, on the way to school, Ollie scoured our neighbors yards for dandelions ready for wishing. He refreshed it twice just in case.  And guess what.  The next time he has a tummy bug we will head right outside and sit and wait until we see a shooting star and give It another go. He will learn one day that diarrhea cannot be wished away. But today, when he is six and wants to become a diarrhea-free teacher/dentist/writer/toy collector, it can.

C-Sections Are Not The Easy Way Out

I recently read a blog post (or a lengthy instagram caption, I lose track) from a mama of three expressing her dismay (while attempting some general positivity) surrounding having all of her children via cesarean.  And since this is my personal blog where I can write about what ever I damn well please, I would like to comment on this at length. The truth is, I'm tired of there even being a question about whether a c-section is "good enough".  I had all 3 of my children via c-section and never once did I feel like less of a mother, or like I wasn't strong enough to have my babies vaginally.  I labored, I pushed, my epidural wore off and the medical team held off pushing more medicine in preparation for a possible c-section.   I felt contractions, I felt hard labor, I saw my baby's heart rate drop on the monitor, I felt faint when my blood pressure bottomed out, and when my doctor announced it was time to prep me for a c-section, I was relieved and a little scared, but never inadequate.  I felt all the joy, terror, pain, excitement, anticipation, and pure love that a mother delivering her baby in her bath tub with a midwife feels. The c-section mama experiences labor before and after delivery. She does. She labors until the only thing left to do to get the baby out safely is to perform major surgery, then she recovers from said surgery which involves slicing her abdomen open, removing her organs then shoving them back in there, unsure if they are in there correctly until she can pass gas (an ordeal all it's own, I assure you), all while caring for an infant. I got my wisdom teeth out when I was a motherless 21 year old and if that came with caring for another human neither of us would have come out too much alive, I'm sure.  So, this infant requires a lot. Holding. Feeding. Rocking. Comforting. Waking. All of which require some type of movement from the c-section mama, and each movement is excruciating. Like, knives stabbing from inside and out. But she does it. She still moves to exactly where that baby needs her to be, ignoring her body's warnings to stop.  Luckily my surgeries were uncomplicated so I cannot begin to comment on the complicated ones, but I will say this. Never, ever tell a c-section mama she "lucked out". Rude. You had an episiotomy and some blood loss, and she had abdominal surgery, blood loss, and a permanent cute little belly flap over her scar. You're pretty even. No more questions. We are all enduring pain, losing sleep, and just trying to keep our tiny people alive and stop them from becoming assholes.

I MADE SOMETHING! Cutting Corners is the Sh*t!

So.  I did it.  I DIY'd something.  And I love it, omg I love it.  It was so so simple, and THAT'S my DIY jam.  Simplicity.  I made this wall hanging out of cotton piping, brass pipe, and a hubby with a hacksaw.  One night he was taking the trash to the garage and I handed him the pipe with 3 pencil marks in it and asked him to cut it.  He came back in with 4 pieces of pipe with jagged edges and said I needed to file them down.  The tutorial also advised me to file down the edges.  Me being me, I did not.  I should have, but if I can't break a rule or two, I will never finish the project.  I'll just leave the tutorial link here so you can see the similarities and differences.  I cut out the parts that would require too much work or money.  And I still LOVE the way it turned out.  Try it.  Try making something without following all the rules.  It's awful good.

I have a fiddle fig leaf tree here now, and I just think it covers it too much..I just love it so much.

I think Mr. Fiddle Fig will need to find a new home.  Those trees are finicky little shits.  Not too much light, just the perfect amount of water, don't move them too much.  #babynumber4.

 I am coming to realize (admit) that cutting corners is kind of my thing.  From DIY projects, to cooking, to fashion, to beauty, to hygiene (kidding, kidding, I'm clean).  If I ever try a new recipe I always introduce it to my hubby with a "This sounded so good, but I didn't have any (insert crucial ingredient) so I used (insert a terrible substitute)"  And we wind up eating leftover pizza.  I also simply cannot spend the money to shop where I want, so I thrift it or find something similar on the cheap and try to fake it.  Seriously, if it weren't for Ikea, Target, and thrift stores...well I guess I would just die.  Or have an ugly house.

Literally all Target, Ikea, hand me downs, DIY, or thrift sore items...like, all of it. Hubby just installed that light fixture from a local antique shop and I can't get over it.  Even the little rust spots.  It's perfect.

And my beauty regimen. I am just as hypnotized by Sephora as the next warm blooded woman, but the prices, Lord help me, those prices.  I do a lot of googling similar cheaper products or waiting for Christmas gift cards. Guys, I am cheap.  I cut the crap out of those corners.  And I almost get a little rush out of getting a lot for a little.  No, I definitely do, there is a rush.  A beautiful wall hanging for minimal work, a cozy go-to fall sweater for $3, or a healthy meal with 2 ingredients (because I decided to omit all the spices, a little salt fixes anything).  I am just so tickled with this project I had to share and encourage you to cut some corners and go make something mediocre that you LOVE!        

Am I the Only One Without the Attention Span to DIY?

New chair, new plants, old everything else...new sofa for XMas!!!

I have embarked on a little home face lift, with the budget of a drug store contour kit.  I have thrown a couple of jobs at my husband including paint and hanging a new light fixture (Well, old. $65 from a little local antique shop!)  We have a few new furniture pieces, some new plants, and I have attempted to add a couple new wall hangings. HOWEVER.  Woven wall hangings are beyond unaffordable.  I spent $30 on the tiniest, ornament-sized hanging that I hung in my bedroom only to have it annoy me every time I look at it.  While I do love it, it is truly something I could have made myself with a stick and some $3 yarn.  And the normal-sized ones can cost over $300.  So I have decided to give it a go.  Now, I am FAR from crafty.  I definitely try, and wish I were, but the truth of it is, I usually either abandon the project because it starts looking like a goldfish made it, I completely lose interest so it sits in our cabinet until it's irrelevant and I throw away the materials, or I complete it but get frustrated at the very end and rush through the last few (crucial/important/project-making) steps thus wasting money and time and I just purchase the item off Etsy (where I found the idea to Google "DIY woven wall hanging" to begin with).  My hope is that by blogging about my progress I will hold myself accountable and will actually finish the damn thing.  I just received the first of the 2 materials needed. The second is shipped and on it's way!  I am optimistic since there are very few materials and I really just need to tie some knots. Easy, right?  Photos to come of materials if I can keep my kids from playing witches using the brass tubing as brooms.  No luck so far.

Playing trains on the new rug. Ok, eating dvd cases on the new rug.

Macrame hanging planter against a navy wall...yes please. 

Small Goals for a Busy Mamma

I have had to remind myself too often lately to slow down and take it all in.  I am a mamma to 3 boys, I work 2 to 3 nights a week at a children's hospital, I try to keep myself presentable, I try to make healthy meals for my family (well, I try to make meals), I try to keep my patience, all while trying to stay positive and not welcome my hubby home every night with a list of that which hit the fan that day.  In one afternoon my 3 year old managed to shatter the glass of our un-cheap credenza and pull the entire rear view mirror down from the windshield of our vehicle while I fixed the glove box he had just jammed.  How is it that on this day I managed to keep cool, collected, even patient, while just 2 short days later as I sat on my living room floor folding laundry, I completely lost it when my 3 year old knocked over my pile of towels for the 950th time?

 I have started setting little, simple goals for myself to be able to get through each day and feel that I was not only a productive housewife, but a present and patient mamma also.

1. No yelling.  Let's go ahead and add "for an entire day". Start small, right? I hate throwing mommy tantrums.  The fact that I lose my cool usually makes me feel worse than whatever frustrated me to begin with. And let's not even talk aboit the example I set for ny kids.  While raising my voice and acting a little cray gets their attention much more quickly, I certainly like myself a whole lot more when I am able to kneel down, and calmly explain why it is not ok to knock 5 pound action figures over onto their 9 month old baby brother's head. 

2. Abandon one chore to play a game with my kids.  A mamma's work is absolutely never ending.  There are never enough hours in the day to cook, clean, love, teach, AND copy that adorable fall pumpkin craft you saw on instagram. Usually on my most productive days I feel as though I failed as a parent. On these days I usually get up, rush my biggest off to school, make breakfast for my two littles, clean up breakfast, clean kitchen, start laundry, clean the 2 week old urine glaze off the base of the toilet, wash hands, make lunch, clean up lunch, lay down with boys for nap, get up after an hour of fighting boys to stay in bed and no one gets a wink of sleep, off to fetch big brother from school, home, and then it's after school snacks and dinner time hustle.  And amidst all of that, when did I play or snuggle my kids?  Floor time with my kids needs to be a priority.  The glaze can wait for me to build a cushion fort or play a round of Candyland.  It will probably wait until my hubby gets home from work too...and until whenever he gets around to cleaning it.  I don't even use that toilet.  I can just pretend it's not there.

3. Make dinner every night for a week. Heating leftovers DOES count. As does ordering pizza.  As long as the meal was sought and carried out by me, goal accomplished. My days usually start off optimistically enough.  I have an idea of what I would like to make for dinner and how the timing of the day will help make that happen, but as the day goes on little things are sacrificed. The shower is always the first to go, followed by dinner, then laundry, and so on.  Too often dinner becomes bowls of cereal, but as long as I am the one pouring the milk, dinner is served and I am the chef.

4. Do something for myself.  A mani/pedi after the kids go to bed, a mini facial before they wake up, or just a quiet moment under a cozy blanket, the latest issue of Glamour in one hand, and a pumpkin spice latte in the other are just a few examples of how I like to remember that I am a person too. But let's be real.  I usually just wind up treating myself by finally getting my weekly shower or buying something online.

5. Exercise once a day.  We walk to school. This is my gym. My only exercise. And if we leave the house too late to walk I'll park a little further from the Target entrance and call it good. 

Having a goal for the day, no matter how small helps me step back and see all the small moments that fill up our home with so much happiness and love.  My 3 children will not need me forever, and how bittersweet this is.  My Oliver is in Kindergarten and he is a constant reminder to me of how 6 years can pass without even a blink.  I know I will wake tomorrow with 3 teenaged boys, ravenous in front of the fridge, and I will long to hold a hand so small it can grasp only my finger, or to cuddle between them, read a Halloween board book and have a family nap, only to wake up with tiny limbs draped all over me.  Oh how quickly these tiny humans grow into normal sized ones.  May these goals help me basque in their youthfulness and never, ever wish for less time with them, because that day will one day come and I know I will not be ready.

#6. I will build forts everyday.

The Perfect Day Includes...

Today was simply, ordinarily perfect.  My hubby and I took our 3 boys on a nature walk in the morning and spent the afternoon in front of "It's a Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" eating hamburgers we grilled in our back yard.  I love reading other mamas' blogs to remind myself that it is ok for this parenting thing to be hard.  It is ok to throw a little mommy tantrum every now and then because a good cry is more therapeutic than almost anything else I can think of.  But, every now and then a day like this comes along and I don't need to be reminded of anything.  The moment is enough.  That being said, those mommy tantrums I mentioned before, how many are we allowed to have in...say a week?  I always manage to keep it together until my hubby gets home.  My partner.  My team member.  Another adult!  I have had days when the waterworks start when I hear the garage door open, before he even makes it in the house.  But not today.  Today our boys got dirty and sweaty playing in the woods. Today we found acorns half eaten by squirrels, tunnels under our path for water to flow after rain, threw rocks, then we snuck onto a school playground.  Today we played.  Being a parent forces me notice the simple things. Things I walk over, step on, kick aside everyday become treasures. A speckled rock, an acorn top, a giant bright yellow leaf are all worth tucking away in a pocket even if only for the rest of the day.  This way the treasures are sure to be taken out later that evening, placed directly in the middle of the living room rug, grinding dirt and broken leaves into the carpet while the remaining shards of acorn pieces are spread about the house for mom and dad to step on in their bare feet or for the baby to stick in his mouth and choke on or injure himself.  Today was perfect.  A perfect, ordinary day full of messes, dirty kids, an acorn shard to the foot, and so so much love.🍁😁🍂🌾🍁🍂

How I Cope With Mamma Anxiety...

I have a mildly unhealthy amount of anxiety. I am a little too concerned with other cars' speed and lane change frequency in bad weather, a little too aware of the exact date and time of the first cough I hear from any of my three sons come cold season.  I'm definitely overly paranoid about my children swimming at Grandma's when I am not around because no one has googled the symptoms of dry drowning more than me. I am fully accepting of the fact that a healthy, medium-sized amount of anxiety for a mom is allowed.  Encouraged even.  Moms become anxious, nervous, excited, terrified, all in that moment that little plus sign appears...we be crazy.  This plus sign plants a lot of fears and emotions into an otherwise healthy female.  Fears of pregnancy complications, miscarriage, money, baby preparation, mercury poisening, drinking too much the weekend before Mr. Plus Sign appeared, prenatal vitamins, etc.; all while trying to remain a healthy, zen cocoon for sweet little plus sign to grow.  And the baby hasn't even arrived yet.  The feeling of true elation does come...but only for a moment.  The moment that cry fills the hospital room and the doctor lets out a breath announcing it's time to meet your son....perfect.  There is no way any woman who has has had a child can deny this was the best day of her life.  The wedding day can be second best...but not best.  Meeting this person you have grown and anticipated for 9 months...this will always be my "best day of my life".  But, the absolute bliss only lasts for a moment...it quickly turns to wondering what he weighs, if he's healthy, if he is going to pass all of his newborn screenings.  Then, is he getting enough milk while breastfeeding, is he sleeping too long between feeds? Is he peeing enough? Pooping enough?  Fortunately this torture subsides marginally with each subseqent off spring, but never to disappear.

I have been known to worry myself sick...not cute.  And who wants to hear a nervous rant about how "a simple cough can turn into something terrible in seconds..." every time my kid has a cold? Pretty far from cool.  I have found a list of ways to bring down the axiety meter from a 10 to a 4...a 4 is all I can hope for really.

10.  Cuddle it out.  I love snuggling my babies. I love breathing them in after a bath (I stole that line, it made me cry the first time I read it and I love it) and feeling tiny hands' soft fingers on my arms, neck and face.  Sometimes just feeling them in my arms is enough to calm my spiraling thoughts on what could go wrong today and help me remember the moment.

9.  Writing. When I write these things down, not only do I find humor in it, but I am able to realize that while every word is true...it IS a bit ridiculous.  I find goals...like stop being crazy. 

8.  Talking.  Talk it out, baby.  Talking to my hubby, even if it makes me a little less cool, a little less sexy, a little further from the 21 year old he first married, talk is pure therapy and he lets ne hash it out any time I need it.

7.  Girl time.  Chatting about anything...absolutely anything. Hell, talk to me about the last time you had a peaceful trip to the bathroom.  I'd love to swap stories.

6.  Getting out of the house. Whether it is a solo mission to the grocery store or a family outing to a restaurant where we are sure to attract the attention of every patron with our level of energy and decible, a new setting somehow puts life into a different perspective.  It reminds me that we share this earth with tons of humans just like us with the same problems. All we can do is give a nod or a smile so we can remember we are all in this together...now shut the kid up.

5.  Taking photos of my boys. Taking photographs puts something between me and my family other than my maternal anxieties. The camera turns them into art. 

4. Getting moving!  Going on a walk, attempting kids yoga (even if it only lasts through one pose), dance party (usually more successful than yoga).  

3. Wine. Bye.

2. Magazines. The smell, the articles, the ridiculous fashion that is not even real fabric, the ads...I can truly forget I have internet access when I'm nose deep in this month's issue of Elle.

1.  Date nights in front of the TV.  Time with my adult counterpart who is the only human on earth who can even begin to understand my exact feelings and stressors is just what the mamma ordered.  Add a little of the aforementioned beverage and voila. Problems aolved.